Jokes galore!

[Old Fecker]

Rather than starting a new thread for every joke i post i may as well shove them all somewhere.


A Shave & a Shine

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.

The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."

She said, "You tell him. He's the one shaving you."





Botched Robbery

Two guys are committing a robbery. One of them is inside getting the money, the other is waiting in the getaway car. The man in the car is nervous because his partner hasn't come out yet.

Finally, the doors of the bank burst open... out comes the partner, lugging a large safe tied up with a rope. As they are getting in the car, the doors to the bank burst open a second time. The security guard comes out. His pants are around his ankles, and he is shooting his gun at the two men in the car.

The man who was in the getaway car starts yelling at his partner: “I knew you'd mess up! You always mess up! I told you to BLOW the SAFE and TIE UP the GUARD!”   
 

   
 
Blonde in the Elmo factory

Once there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory. She went down and applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was so boring. The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long consideration the manager hired her.

After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he arived there the blonde was sewing two marbles into the crotch of every Elmo.

The manager said, ''I said to give each Elmo two test tickles; not two testicles!''
 




Sen

[Bloodywolf]

First 1, LOL, "woops"

2nd is the best.

3rd one...humn, nice but I already heard some from resembling jokes.

[Javokis]

My aunt sends me tons of jokes. Here's one:

> >Subject: Time to Start Cussing??
> >
> >
> >
> >A six year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their  bedroom. "You know
> >what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time  we start cussing."
> >The
> >4-year-old nods his head in approval.
> >
> >The 6-year-old continues. "When we go  downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna
> >say "hell" and you say "ass." "OK!" The 4 year old  agrees with enthusiasm.
> >
> >Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the  6-year-old what he wants
> >for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some  Cheerios."
> >
> >WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the  kitchen floor, gets
> >up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his  mother in hot pursuit,
> >slapping his rear every step.
> >
> >The mom locks him in his room shouts "You can just stay there till I let
> >you
> >out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the  4-year-old, and asks
> >with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast  young man?"
> >
> >"I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your  ass it won't be
> >Cheerios."
> >
>

[Javokis]

Weather alert!

When you see this on the way out your door.... You might as well turn around, go back in and have another cup of coffee. It is probably not going to be a good day!

[Novitate Asher]

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day
long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The
guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while
he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Dave,
don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep
with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single.
Just let it go..."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality,
whispering:





Dave . .









Dave . .











Dave . .

You're a Veterinarian .

[Javokis]

A West Virginia Highway Department employee stopped at a farm and
talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for
a possible new road."

The old farmer said, "OK, but don't get out in
that pasture over there." The Highway Dept. employee flashed out his
identification card and said, "I have the authority of the State of West
Virginia to go any where I want. See this card? I will go wherever I wish."
So the old farmer went about his farm chores. It wasn't too much later and the
farmer heard loud screams and yelling. He looked over and saw several Highway
Dept. employees running for their lives and right behind was the farmer's huge
prize bull. The bull was madder than a hornet's nest and was gaining on the
employee at every step.

The old farmer yelled out, "Show him your card,
Smart Ass.... Show him your
card!!